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The Final Nostalgia Critic Review
It was a dark and stormy night. Dark and stormy. Because I had stuck a black hole inside of my pants. I am a physicist, you see. Before I was a physicist, I was an intern. An intern for Channel Awesome. You may have heard of them. They used to sell pizzas in Chicago, to raise money for servers that they would instead spend on 5-star hotels. I suppose that it's about time that I reveal to you who I truly am. My name is Bowser. I operated one of those Chicago hotels. It was one of my 7 koopa hotels, you see. My alias was originally Michael Michaud, but that was my grandfather’s name. I had to go to the Chicago courts to take legal actions to change my names to Christoph Borus, Alexis Banedor, Jonathan Safari, Bradley Jones, Christopher T. Stuckman, and Alex Ihe Ever E-Theeng. Now, I'm not perfect. I've done some pretty bad shit before. I've eaten ice cream, and apple pie. You may have heard about my... misdeeds. My... disheveled misdeeds. I used to kidnap princesses. I also used to make spoony jokes about doing things to princesses. I haven’t learned my lesson… hmmm?? This caused the Channel Awesome team to leave my hotel, without paying me; writing eons of documents of me and my crew about my dishonest, disorganized, and dis--inconsistent series of mismanagement over the years. Disheveled. I, Bowser, wanted a more darker, grittier tone to the show that I would make Zack Snyder cry, like Rob and Doug themselves. Anyhoo, before they left the hotel they left a VHS at my desk. I felt honored to see this gift they gave me. The tape was written in red sharpe, “NOSTALGIA CRITIC: THE FINAL REVIEW: COPYRIGHT MARCH 2018.” I was in so much glee that maybe since it’s been months after the controversy; I put the tape in Walkers’ old dis--dis--disgusted VCR and pushed play. Keep in mind that after this, I became a psychiatrist, so I had to use my pen, paper, and my laptop to open up Microsoft Word just in preparation to see what in the blue seahorse Shark Tale is going on. This episode caused me to quit my job for good. The intro began irregularly. When the series revived, the theme song was “The Review Must Go On” and would highlight some of the episodes from the series. This is different beyond any reasonable measure that it’s not even hysterically. Doug. A few seconds of the intro was normal with the explosion and Doug as the Nostalgia Critic pointing his gun a la James Bond and shooting at the camera just to show some clips; but midway through--the clips were interrupted by actual footage of Doug’s onset problems, a terrorist attack on the World Trade Centre, and E3 2018 coverage of both EA and Square Enix. This is… funny. Doug. The intro ended and I was confused by this; yet I am writing everything down at this moment. The episode started properly with Doug seriously getting angry. We see him going to the cabinet of his old home overdosing himself by taking amounts of ADHD pills. I’m concerned. Doug screeches, “Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it yet nobody does you fucking fuck fuckery fuck!” His voice became a bit more high-pitched. I mean, no duh; within any episode; it’s him screaming his lungs out with his high-pitched voice; but what makes this unusual is that it sounded like he was choking on something...something morbid may I add. He explains about the films he reviews in full detail; admittedly it was boring to sit through, so to pass the time, I had my Nintendo Switch just to play Sonic Mania Plus in portable 4K. It wasn’t until 6 minutes 6 seconds 6 milliseconds later that he would reveal the movie--and before I forget, yes I did open up a stopwatch app on my laptop, and it had the exact time, “6 minutes, 6 seconds, 6 milliseconds.” My shock factor raised up a notch; I was freaked the fuck out, even more than my penis size! This is why a lot of princesses made rumors about me, nobody wants me to go out on dates. The thing is, Doug himself revealed that he was going to not review one, not two, but three films. The anniversary films may I add, and this is the part where he starts to get genuinely upset. He revealed that his career was an awful lie and then he walked to his DVD library and took a shit on his film and television shows he personally liked and disliked (especially the ones he reviewed over the years), and this is all uncensored. The shit got progressively louder and louder and LOUDER and while this was happening he commented, “Well, that’s what so awesome about being creatively bankrupt.” He lectures about how he has a shitty fanbase--and goes as far to criticize his fans stating that the people who still think his new episodes are funny are the same people who think Big Bang Theory, Lena Dunham, Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer, the Disney-era Star Wars movies, the Seltzerberg parodies, Battlefield V, Shadow of the Tomb Raider, and Season 3 Rick and Morty are great works of entertainment, and how he should’ve not revived Nostalgia Critic in favor of his theatre career--he criticizes how his running gags are awful and how he is in full regret mode. Then, he and Rob finally talks about the movies; albeit briefly for at least two to three minutes. The tape paused by itself for a few minutes. I have not touched the VCR nor used any TV remotes whatsoever--it stopped by itself by the power of its magical spell. The spell of the TV changing--a floating head that looked like the mysterious Bhargav Dronamraju used mind control over the remote control (heh, i gotta make a mixtape outta it lol). I was really puzzled and petrified at the same moment and/or place that a VHS tape that someone in my hotel gave to me was something superstitious that; even more so, I'm more shocked that this isn't no practical, stop-motion, nor computer-animated effects stunt show either. To make matters worse, he zapped me! Mind you, not once; not twice; but six times, as I lay down and then I heard his echo-ey, but yet, dog-sounding laugh. Did you know, donuts have holes in them?! Shut up MatPat! God, you and your Undertale and Five Nights theories; no one gives a shit! Bhargav the chihuahua rants about my mismanagement and why people finally changed this channel and why the viewers did the exact same pretty much and begins by saying, "Mikey my man, where's your nostalgia? Do you have a childhood, or is your childhood full of holes, like doughnut holes! Are you an internet personality or just a cult--an Illuminati or satanic cult-- was 9/11 an inside job or did you plan to change the channel on the attacks-- and are we aliens-- mass bombings and/or mass shootings happen every year because violence is in our nature-- also Doug is a dog and Rob is a dog-- fuck you-- Enjoy the wild ride!" ...and thus Bhargav took me on a ride... zapping me inside a VCR. But wasn't he supposed to change the channel? No. Only on television he would, which speaking of, it's a horse laughing at me. Is it Bob Saget or BoJack Horseman? Why not both-- wait that's Bender, but all hope is gone for Bender. But what about Hank Hill and his-- Buck Strickland-- just trading Pokemon cards, watching an episode of Pokemon, Digimon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Speed Racer, Sailor Moon, or even DragonBall Z-- Next time on Cowboy Bebop, My Hero Academia, One Punch Man, Little Witch Academia, and Cory in the House-- Seinfeld is another great anime cause, "We are the lizards, Kramer!" Like in Shrek for instance? But in the Middle-- the Malcolm in the Middle-- and yet I'm still Breaking Bad for Jessie's thing called drug addiction--but in West Philadelphia born in raised on either the official Big Bang Theory, Lena Dunham, and Rick and Morty reddit pages where I got banned permanently; former because I don't like the show; the second because she's an awful liar and unfunny comedian (even more than that one Blue Collar comedian Larry the Cable Guy) and Girls is a bad show; just on the same level as Amy Schumer's intelligence and her jokes she keeps stealing; only that episode with the Monsters Inc. characters was a tad redeemable in comparison; and the latter--I got banned from because I allegedly didn't understand the humor of Season 3; plus Rick and Morty turned into ducks eating Pamera bread and were caught by Bebop and Rocksteady, plus Shredder was there with Adolf Hitler, or was it the Juggernaut or Fozzie Bear or that German guy from that one Rugrats episode. But it was illegal; like illegal immigra-- oh shit, I forgot both Dora the Explorer and Comic Sans the Man Hernandez jumped in the ring, but with the Monsters Inc. and Toy Story characters featuring Dante from Devil May Cry; the Crystal Gems are the faded gems--thanks about comrade Steven; then Bill O'Reilly lectures about immigration in tonight's memo, with Roseanne Barr doing a good skit or too with either Drake or Josh, then Friends comes on, Sam Malone drinks alone in a Cheers episode, even in the episode of Fat Albert--and wait it was the Papa John's killer with Campbell's soup. Anyway, it's always sunny in Philadelphia, but not in the mafia family from the Sopranos; but within MY Modern Life! Rocko's Modern Life! It could've been in Dexter's Lab, Jimmy Neutron's Lab; Madea's science lab; Bill Nye's lab; the MST3K Satellite of Love; Siskel and Ebert's balcony, with Jay Sherman sitting in between--like Between the Lions am i right?--but probably in Dr. Rrrrobotnik's lair! Creating an inspector--An Inspector Gadget with brown bricks! Plus, RoboCop and Alien were there too. Two, but there's half--Two and a Half Men--but Kevin James in Kings and Queens turned into Paul Blart--aww my poor Stimpy. Adventure Time, come on hang out with your friends, in an episode of Ed, Edd, n' Eddy; probably Billy and Mandy, or that one time Louise Belcher burnt her family in flames, or Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares getting mad government conspiracies, or Dave Chappelle getting mad at Comedy Central, or the Angry Video Game Nerd getting mad at video games, or the Three Stooges mad at life! I mean face it, breakfast may be ruined at some point! Ruined by Jeff the Killer! Like a Slender Man theory... or a Mega Man theory! But did you know--OK K.O. and Radicals vs. Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz death battle won't be as good as Carl Winslow vs. Urkel death battle; or is it Mr. Rodgers vs. Swedish Chef in a rap battle--featuring Captain Picard vs. Sterling Archer in a big rap battle to the death-- but then Pink Panther joins the battle and Andy French becomes a maniac! That's nobody likes either of them; kinda like how nobody liked Droopy Dog. But somebody liked Chowder and everyone loves Raymond. But as more Mr. Ratburn someway somehow, ehh--yet that one host from Reading Rainbow disturbed me, the one Headbanger's Ball episode disturbed me. No, I don't recall the one where Bananas were in Pajamas in a legend of Zelda. Not the time Buzz on Maggie was on. Was that a Simpsons episode by any chance? No, it was something Norbert and Daggett from the Angry Beavers came up out of thin air, unlike Bob Ross's painting? --and Knuckles. Hi Billy Mays here to show you Bill Cosby's drugged girls; Cosby is with Dan Schneider, Harvey Weinstein, and Lena Dunham once again! Only except these three got red-pilled epic win style by Ben Shapiro, Elon Musk, Sam Hyde, and Alex Jones! Was I getting flaccid by this? Kinda like a "buzzing woody..." thanks a lot John Lasseter. Give me a Cars Beta Tape. Or is it the lost Toy Story tape with a Woody puppet. Hmm...or kinda like Pooh Bear Man, or that one time I got bit by a spider, but not a venom-- it's time for Animaniacs where Barney gets murdered by a sand castle--at least if the price was right am I right Drew Carey from Whose is it Anyway, but Hey Arnold, how are you doing?! How's Helga! He's dead--similar to the people who died in Nick Arcade, or on a Monday Night Football broadcast where John Madden smoked weed with a koala bear, or when Oprah opened up her vag full of demons, Pat Sajak was there too with his Illuminati eye and everything. Was it really Thomas the Tank Engine that caused all of this? Probably; or it was just King Dedede with his Illuminati figure and his career in music. Like how Eminem, Green Day, Weezer, Foo Fighters, Sum 41, Creed, Mudvayne, Papa Roach, BrokenCYDE-- they were playlists of favorite bands by Benson of Regular Show, or whatever SpongeBob and Patrick are singing--right after the Pearl Harbor massacre caused by Popeye... or the Korean War or Vietnam War caused by Beetle Bailey perhaps? Or a found footage from an iCarly episode? Even a Power Rangers episode? A Diff'rent Strokes episode with Gary Coleman? A Dennis the Menace episode? Or either Timmy Turner or John Cleese? Might be either Monty Python or Fawlty Towers. Maybe the one Back at the Barnyard episode that doesn't exist during the writing of this pasta; at least as of yet. Most of the pastas at the moment are in space where nobody can hear you scream... not with Gumby at least... I mean Samus from Metroid can agree. ALF can agree. But what Lara Croft agreed. She couldn't, cause she's dead. Kinda like Hayley from American Dad. ...killed by Tim the Toolman? Or Jill Valentine's power of sandwich from the Umbrella Corp.? Not too sure, but whatever. But hi Billy Mays here! But they're still lizards that the eye can see thanks to Alex Trebek being turned into--whatever it is--it's getting close to being an AFV Christmas special, but also an episode of Cat and Keet, Catscratch, CatDog, or Ryan Reynolds in Two Guys and a Girl but with a Deadpool costume. But the Care Bears were staring like the one doctor off of Scrubs; does anyone remember the lost episode of Scrubs? Or how about that one episode of the Tick? I'll find these episodes after I get my mail. MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL! But even Steve from Blue's Clues finding mail felt powerful-- more than Casper or The Powerpuff Girls or Underdog; he is still here, but does everyone still hate Chris? Is this like a South Park episode with Cartman reading the entire thing or something (better watch out for PC Principal)? And will Dave ever read the episodes TVBForever keeps requesting for so long, and yet Dave didn't get to read?? I mean life is like a hurricane here in this channel, cause it seems today that all you see is violence and NOTHING but violence, shock, horror, terror, and whatever. It probably is a Flintstones episode at this point. Or Pingu, Wacky Races, Family Feud, Sabrina, Dudley-Do-Right, Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos, Married with Children, Saved by the Bell, That '70s Show, The Wire, Game of Thrones, Homeland, The Office, and a suitcase full of skeleton bones planted by Howie himself. Still have more screams than Goosebumps and X-Files; just leave it to beaver but the Fraser vault tapes are even scarier to me. Just salute them shorts and be courage like a cowardly dog; the myth was busted, but at the same time, my life is busted... while riding in the sad bus... riding with Crash Bandicoot... and Kurt Cobain's trusty ol' shotgun... ...and then, just as soon as I was getting ready to find the escape pad just to get out of the VCR... I saw a floating head get bigger during this all-of-a-sudden more ambitious crossover than either Infinity War or Smash Bros. Ultimate inside a VCR... and the head popped out and... it was a voice in my head... a Hanna-Barbera voice in my head that happens to have red hair and a white, futuristic, dystopian space suit. "Why hello there, Michael. I mean, that is your real name after all." That voice is so familiar. "My voice does sound awfully familiar indeed. You have some type of nostalgia, right? Some actual memories about me." I don't know why he could read thoughts in my mind, but alas I understood why. Actually, I didn't want to know. Once George Jetson walked inside the VCR nonchalantly and the lost episode characters that were mentioned greeted him, I was terrified. I was terrified so much that he pulled down his pants and just out of memory--I'm not an owner of my hotel company. I'm just someone who made a failed satirical grunge band back in the 90s whose goal in life is to make video game reviews; but led me into reading creepypastas. This led me to George hoisting his three testicles and shoving them in my face. And there is a conclusion that--well, this here is the real channel. A new chapter. A channel that's full of lost episodes in the past and in the future. A futuristic pizza! All of this was inside Dave's head, may I add. So in other words... let's fail together at life. THE END Category:Lost Episodes Category:CreepyPasta Article Category:SillyPasta Article Category:George Jetson Category:Creepypastas narrated by DaveTheUseless